Dark Paradise
by roza m belicova
Summary: One shot set after Blood Promise. Rose thinks she killed Dimitri that night in Russia, but she's not entirely sure. But now, her dreams have become nightmares, her nights and days devoted to guarding Lissa, but Lissa thinks it's time Rose moves on romantically. Will she be able to convince her of this? Probably better than it sounds, angst be warned


Hello beautiful people, I hope you like angst. Because this is basically 3627 words of pure angst. To those of y'all who are tired of my bullshit and really don't want to read this? Yea I can't say I blame you. I can say that I'm going to try (key word being try) to work on Still Alive but I'm Barely Breathing as well as the holiday one shots. If you got any holiday themed prompts and such, feel free to let me know I can really use the help. Anyway.

I don't own VA but I do hope you maybe enjoy this one reviews are very much appreciated.

Dark Paradise.

I saw that night on the bridge in almost all of my dreams. Most nights, it was real enough that I could feel the night wind on my bare legs, and hear myself tell him that I would always love him. I could feel myself shove the stake into his chest, remember how it wasn't as direct a hit as I would have liked, and hear his voice as clear as day when he said that that was what he was supposed to say just moments before I watched him tumble over the railing and down into the dark rushing water below.

Other nights, my dreams were filled with my Dimitri. The warm, living Dimitri, the one who wasn't a monster. The one who loved me and believed in me, the one who had cared for me and had made love to me. I saw his eyes, beautiful chocolaty brown, no sinister red ring, no chalky white skin. And perhaps most importantly, no fangs. It was almost like that time Avery had gotten into my head and cooked up that elusion, only this was no illusion, and it was ten times better than anything her magic could've ever conjured.

And every time, I always sprang awake and bolted up in my bed, panicked and disoriented for a good few moments. Tears filled my eyes when I realized that once again, I was alone in my bed and he really was gone. That my dreams were just that, dreams, memories of a time long gone. Glimpses of a life I never could have, no matter how much I wanted it. Tonight, was no different, but it was that night on the bridge which had haunted my dreams this time.

I stared around until the familiar surroundings of my recently appointed room at the moroi royal court washed over me and hit the switch on the bedside lamp. A soft yellow glow filled the room and calmed me further, but there was no escaping the sadness that filled my entire being. That sadness had long become my constant companion, familiar and unshakable. And if I were being honest? I didn't really mind it so much. Because when Dimitri left this world, he took a piece of me with him, a piece I could never get back. A lifetime of memories and this sadness which manifested as an aching hole in my chest on most days-an all-consuming ache on most nights was what I carried now, and I was fine with that.

I glanced at my phone-at the time displayed-3 pm, and as if on cue, I heard a quiet knock on my door and sighed. I ran my fingers through my hair and hastily wiped at my eyes, though there was really no point. She could read me almost as well as I could read her, no bond necessary, and lately she had gotten even better at it.

"It's open, Liss." The door opened and in she walked, somehow managing to look like some kind of angel of mercy even though she wore a white flowing night gown, her blond hair tumbling down her back and around her in complete disarray. Seeing her calmed me further, eased the ache in my chest slightly.

I mustered up a smile for her, a small but very real smile. Even though a chunk of my soul was gone with Dimitri, Lissa made the rest of me feel whole. Even though the idea of romantic love with anyone else made me want to break out in a cold sweat because that part of me would always belong only to Dimitri, having Lissa made me see that I could still have a good life. Maybe one day even fall in love again, but I honestly didn't see that happening any time soon if ever. Dimitri was the one for me, the only one. Not even death was going to change that. I knew that with every fiber of my being and I had accepted it a long time ago.

Before him, the idea of love and marriage and all that had never even been a factor. I had been fine with just protecting Lissa and I was now too. Because not only was she my best friend, she was my bond mate, my sister and I really did owe my life to her. If not for her magic, I would have died in that accident along with her family. So yes, protecting her was the least I could do.

"Are you ok?" Her voice drew me out of my head and I nodded, finally taking the cup she had been holding out to me. I breathed in the now familiar aroma of chamomile which wafted up from the cup and rolled my eyes at Lissa as I took a sip.

"What are you turning me into?" I asked my smile turning into a teasing grin. She gave me a look of pure exasperation which made me chuckle.

"Oh, be quiet," She grumbled. "You like it and you know it. Also deny it all you want but it does help you." She was definitely right about that, but me being me I just had to be difficult about it.

"Fine," I said and drank some more. "It does help, but you're wrong. I most certainly do not like this stuff. It's tea Liss."

"Whatever Rose." She said laughing at the face I made as I said tea. She sat down on the bed with me and as I took careful sips of the hot liquid, I could feel myself calming down even further. Lissa had brought this to me a few days after I had returned to the academy. It had been a long day, consequences of my sudden disappearance and then reappearance. Nobody had known why I had left to begin with-I had been deemed a hero after the attack, but this was high school. The fact that nobody knew my reasons for leaving didn't matter and it certainly didn't stop the rumor mill from spinning now that I had come back.

I had made it known on more than one occasion that I gave absolutely no fucks about what anyone thought about me or said about me, but that day someone had gotten a little too close to the truth. Someone had said that maybe I'd left because I went to track down and kill my mentor. I'm not sure why, probably because he was so much more than just my mentor, and they were talking as if killing him was some kind of heroic thing and not the thing I had nightmares about, but that particular one had hit really hard. It had caused quite the buzz, and seemed to be all everyone could talk about for the rest of the day, no one caring that I had neither denied nor confirmed it.

By the end of that day I was ready to just go to sleep for a very, very long time, but when sleep did come, it did not provide the escape I craved. If anything, it plunged me into a new hell, one where I had failed and Dimitri was looking at me with accusatory eyes. Eyes which were still ringed in red, but the voice which came out of him was his voice, the voice which didn't hold the ice of his strigoi's voice. He questioned my love, doubted it was true because according to him had it been true, I wouldn't have tried to plunge a stake into his heart. I would have joined him and ruled at his side.

And the truth was, even though I never wanted to walk the Earth as an undead soulless monster and neither did he, even though I knew what felt like a life time ago now he would have thanked me for freeing him from that fate, having him question my love was somehow far worse than living out the rest of my days as an undead vampire. And even though I knew it had just been a dream, it was a very vivid one that had left me shaken to the point where I started sobbing so hard, I couldn't breathe.

Until this day I wasn't sure how Lissa had known I needed her, but she had somehow managed to sneak out of her room and dorm even though curfew had been hours before. I think she had done it with Christian's help, but I couldn't really remember seeing him. All I knew was there was a knock on my door and her insisting that I open up and let her in right now. I vaguely remembered opening the door for her and then collapsing into her arms.

She had held me while I cried and when I had no more tears left to cry, she let me go long enough to make me a steaming cup of chamomile tea. I wasn't sure if it was the tea or the fact that I'd basically cried so much I was just exhausted, but I was out the second my head hit the pillow after drinking it. And from then on, this had become our nightly routine. Lissa swore by her tea and I had grown to like it too much to ever really argue with her.

Back in the present, I found her studying me curiously. Or maybe not me exactly, more like the area around me. It was a look I knew well. She was studying my aura, the field of light around every living thing. "What's it look like today?"

"Not much different than usual," She said but I didn't miss the slight hesitation and I shot her a look that said as much. "But maybe I need to make you some new charms. It's a little darker than it's been in a while."

I shook my head. I didn't think that darkness in my aura had anything to do with the darkness bleeding over to me from our bond. If anything, my churning emotions left over from that recent dream was probably fueling this, the conflicting questions that always surfaced every time I had a dream like that. Was Dimitri really somewhere in the afterlife questioning my love? Was he pleased that I'd freed him from that undead state? Had I actually freed him at all? Was Dimitri actually really dead or was I right that the stake hadn't hit true? And perhaps most importantly, would he had said he loved me and would it have mattered?

But I couldn't give voice to my pain. I couldn't voice any of my questions either. Not when I knew it would only make her worry about me, but I certainly couldn't have her using more spirit unnecessarily either.

"No need for that, Liss." I said when she arched a brow. "I'm fine. I don't think it's the darkness."

"Then what is-oh, wait." Understanding lit those jade eyes and I nodded, but she didn't exactly look convinced.

"Also, Liss if your magic is really the reason why my aura is darker than usual, do you really think using more of it is going to help?" I asked and was a little surprised at the harshness I heard in my voice. Lissa heard it too and she flinched, making me flinch as well. "Sorry I-I didn't mean it like that I just-"

"No, you're right. Using more of the magic isn't going to help you. I'm sorry, Rose." I was about to tell her she had no reason to apologize, was about to tell her that I hadn't meant it like that again, that I knew she was just trying to help, but I felt from our bond that she genuinely was sorry and hadn't even thought about that. She had only been thinking about making me a charm to help combat the darkness now. She hadn't been thinking about the long-term effects, and her mind was already heading down a different path. She was determined to find another way to help me. Another way that didn't include her magic.

"You should get some rest," She said finally, putting up barriers to try to hide whatever plan she was cooking up. "God knows you need it." I nodded and sighed, knowing she was right but not feeling like I was going to be able to go back to sleep now. I didn't really feel like being left alone either, being alone gave me time to think and, truth be told, being in my own head honestly didn't feel like a good idea right now.

"Do you want me to stay?" Lissa asked that uncanny intuition she seemed to have where I was concerned making its presence known. I nodded and scooted over as she took the now empty cup from my hands, making room for her to lay with me. She did, and a comfortable silence fell between us. Not that I minded, because as always, having her with me soothed something in me. When she broke the silence, however, I couldn't help but tense up all over.

"Rose," She said turning her head to look at me. "I know how you feel about Dimitri, but are you really going to keep doing this to yourself?"

"Doing what to myself?" I asked even though I could feel where she was going with this. The look she gave me said she knew it too.

"You know what I mean." She said. "Are you really going to keep pining for him?" I didn't know how to answer that. It wasn't so much that I was letting myself pine for him, it was just that I couldn't help feeling the way that I did. I couldn't help it if I missed him and ached every single day. Besides, what the fuck. I was Rose Hathaway and Rose Hathaway did not pine, certainly when this wasn't some cheesy teenage love affair or something. This wasn't just any guy either. This was the love of my life, a man who had shown me a glimpse of a beautiful future which life had shattered into a million tiny pieces the day it ripped him away from me. How could she of all people say that to me?

"Don't get me wrong," She continued. "I know you loved him. I know you still do. I know you probably always will. But Rose, he's gone. He's dead."

"But what if he's not?" My voice was small, those words the ones I had never dared to say out loud to anyone, but Lissa stopped dead and stared at me.

"But he is," She said. "You killed him. You said so yourself. Right?" I sighed and ran my hands through my hair.

"I don't know," I said and saw concern fill her eyes.

"Rose? What do you mean you don't know?" The worry that joined that concern, the fear I saw mixed in there that maybe I was actually losing my mind stirred something in me and I sat up pulling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.

"Liss, I'm not going crazy." I snapped. At least not yet or in the way she feared, but I didn't say that. "I genuinely don't know if he's dead or not. When I staked him, the hit wasn't as direct as it should have been." I'll admit it. It felt really great to say those words, but it also terrified me as well as rekindled a spark of hope in me. If he was still alive-undead-whatever it was, maybe I could save him. Maybe Mark and Oksana's fairytale could help me live out my own fairytale…If I could prove it was not just a fairytale, that is.

"Oh, Rose," Lissa said gently. "He is dead. You didn't fail." The certainty with which she said that and the thoughts I found in her mind, the ones that said it would be good for me if I just let Dimitri go and gave Adrian a fair shot like I'd promised? Well, that made me angry. Who was she to say that? How would she even know? She wasn't even there with me in Russia. She didn't understand how much I still longed for Dimitri. She didn't understand how much I loved him.

"You don't know that," I growled out. "And besides. What does it matter to you whether he's alive or not? You're the same person who refused to help me bring him back if we had the choice, right?" My words struck true. Lissa flinched and hurt flashed in her eyes. Some rational part of my brane wondered what was wrong with me. This was Lissa, the girl I was sworn to protect, my best friend. I didn't enjoy hurting her so why had I said that? Besides, bonding anyone else to her wasn't going to be good for anyone else involved, something we'd learned from Avery. That rational part of my brane was overshadowed by the anger that flooded through me at her next words, however.

"I-Rose…I'm just saying maybe moving on would be good for you. Adrian- "

"You are out of line." I said glaring at her. "You have no right to tell me when it's time for me to move on. And if you like Adrian so much then you can have him. Why don't you date him? God knows there's-"

"Rose, god damn it! Will you stop and just fucking listen to me?" She yelled and it was probably the fact that she'd even yelled or cursed that made me stop dead. "I'm not saying you have to marry Adrian. I'm just saying that you did make him a promise. I'm saying that he really is into you and I understand that you don't feel that way, but it could be a good thing. He could help you heal."

"Didn't you just hear me?" I asked incredulously. "I just told you that Dimitri might not actually be dead! And you're still here telling me to give Adrian a chance?"

"But he is dead!" She said. "Rose Dimitri is dead. If he were alive do you think he would have given you a moment's peace? He would have reached out to you. He would have come after you. He would have wanted to kill you. You both can't co-exist Rose, why do you think he went to Russia huh?"

The truth of her words was like a slap in the face so much so that tears burned my eyes. Whatever anger or darkness or irrationality or whatever it was that had been fueling me faded and scattered like ashes in the wind. She was right. Dimitri had said so himself. He and I could not co-exist as dhampir and strigoi. It just was not possible. Even as a strigoi he had known it and had gone to Russia to avoid a confrontation until I had gone looking for him. But once I had been there, he had wanted me to become strigoi too. If he had survived that night, he would have come after me. Because, he would have wanted to kill me.

Those tears started sliding down my cheeks as just like that, that tiny spark of hope that had flared up died. He was dead by my hand. I should've been relieved; I had done what I had set out to do. I had freed Dimitri, but relief was the very last thing I felt. If anything, I felt like my heart was being ripped apart all over again. It was like that day when we'd returned from the rescue mission without him or like the bond fire back in Russia. It wasn't until that very moment that I realized how much I wished I'd failed. Because then, at least we would have had a chance. Be it a very slim chance-providing that spirit could even save him, but it was a chance nonetheless.

I had taken that chance away from us, saved him in the only way I'd known. And now, now he was truly gone. Lissa was right.

I had made Adrian a promise, and, while I didn't want to jump into a relationship, I did need to talk to him. Adrian needed to know how much I was still hurting. I needed to make him understand that while I was grateful to him for funding my trip to Russia, and while I knew I had promised him a fair shot when I returned, after everything that had happened, I honestly didn't feel ready to be with anyone like that. I didn't know if I ever would again, and he needed to know that.

Pulling myself together and wiping my tears away, I looked up at Lissa. "You're right," I said. "I'll talk to Adrian tomorrow." I still saw concern in her eyes, but I saw a spark of hope there too. I shook my head at her, hoping to dispel those thoughts about Him and I finally hooking up.

For all his partying and vices, Adrian Ivashkov was an amazing guy, and he deserved an equally as amazing woman. He deserved one who would love him unconditionally, and while I knew that under the right circumstances-ones where I hadn't met and fallen completely head over heels for the love of my life only to then lose him, Adrian and I probably could have made it work. But this wasn't that universe. And as much as I hated breaking his heart, I knew I had to do it.

Lissa met my eyes again, and this time when she nodded, I knew she'd gotten it too. She might have wished I could've gotten over Dimitri and give love another chance, but she understood. That woman wasn't me. Not anymore. And I was completely fine with that.

Well, thoughts guys? Anyone else sad that Rose has basically given up on romantic love? Do y'all think that with time maybe she can heal and give it another chance? Anyone mad that I actually killed Dimitri? Any Rose and Adrian shippers here mad that I didn't give them a chance? Let me know how you're feeling. You know how to, just drop me a review. Again, sorry for the angst guys! I just really needed to write this and also just in case anyone was wondering, the name of this story is inspired by Lana Del Rey's Dark Paradise because I got the idea while listening to it. Anyway, let me know how you feel about this one and if you have any holiday themed story ideas.

XXX

Roza


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